Being Together

Reflecting on how so many families have punishing daily schedules, it came to me that perhaps the danger lies in the compartmentalizing of each task in order to 'get through' all that has to be done. I wonder whether it would feel better if there was more 'going alongside' one another – more of a tolerable muddle, if you know what I mean. I am the first one to understand that order is a means of hanging onto one's sanity. It is what we use to keep chaos at bay, our inner turmoil as much as the outer. But it can create its own stress, and what is more worrisome, it can deflect, big time, from the pleasure of “being together”.

Particularly when so much of the day is spent apart, it might help if we consciously made our goal 'BEING TOGETHER' rather than 'GETTING THROUGH', although one would get through at the same time, more-or-less. If something has to give, let it rather be perfection than allowing ourselves to lose out on a relaxed atmosphere..

I am not suggesting putting tasks aside or on hold. Nor am I suggesting making play yet another task. We have to eat and be clean, to be able to find stuff and to be prepared for the next day. What I am advocating is doing the task with the child alongside - either encouraged to playfully participate or allowed to play on his/her own initiative nearby. Yes, even under foot. Believe it or not, it can be quite tolerable when everyone is happy much of the time..

So, instead of gritting our teeth and clamping our lips while we swing swiftly into action, either silently or issuing instructions left and right – we decide to deliberately adopt a free and easy manner while doing what has to be done with DIALOGUE. Not about what still has to be done, or about what has happened during the day (that can up later) but about what I (the adult) am doing in the present and what you (the child) are playing at the same time. Children live in the NOW and we can either be there with them or miss out. Worse, we can unintentionally pull them out of the now which leaves them feeling nowhere at all.

Dialogue can be very companionable – either as a background murmur that is soothing, or as a sharing of thoughts, ideas, feelings, skills and humour related to the task at hand. My toddler nearly fell over laughing at how I responded with an 'u-u-u-u' when she took a glass bottle out of the fridge and I leapt to put it back. The emphasis turned out to be on the funny noise not the risk of breakage although that point was made as the same time.

Warmth, fun and laughter come through while we work if we allow it. We don't even have to concoct any of it, it is there anyway waiting to be given priority.

So, Moms, as tempting as it is, save Barney for when you are out. Let home be about being together. You might find that the atmosphere that planned muddle promotes, has the opposite effect. Instead of instructions and obstructions, the children could flow in and out of where you are toiling away and you could get your feet free after all. As well as some enjoyment that you much deserve as reward for the work that is so unremittingly required.

Joan Eastwood, former Parent Centre Counsellor